Sunday, July 3, 2011

New Draft!

Alright, here's draft two.  It is, thus far, officially untitled.

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                We followed Julia to the car.  Like her, it was stately, expensive and a little intimidating.  The black sedan was straight to the point and though she had probably owned it for months, the interior looked and smelled as if she had bought it earlier that day.  She motioned for us to take the back seats as she slid into the driver’s.  I sat.  The awkward roil in my stomach was something that I was growing accustomed to in the three days that I had been in Korea.

“Where are we eating dinner, again?”  I felt like Julia had given Ian more details.
“I don’t know. “ He leaned forward. “Julia, where are we going to eat?”

“Uh,” then she said something I didn’t understand.  I tried to work it out in my head.  ‘Bead-um’ is what I had heard her say.  I spent the next several minutes running through every food or type of food that started with the letter B.  While I was playing my own personal alphabet game, Ian was productively narrowing it down. “Rice, vegetable, fish, soup,” Julia was continuing to Ian.

“Does she remember that we’re vegetarians?” I was letting Ian take all the falls tonight.  He tentatively reminded her.

“Oh, yes.  Okay.  You eat fish?”

“No.   No fish, chicken, beef or anything like that.  We do eat eggs and milk, though.”  His throat tensed with every explanation.  I stared at him lazily.  After the last eight hours spent making and remaking lesson plans for her approval, which I still hadn’t won, I could hardly look at her.  Shifting on the bread colored leather seat, I looked instead out the window and let the neon shop signs overwhelm my train of thought.  I counted glowing red crosses atop churches.  Eleven if you count the ones just past those hills.  I thought Koreans were Buddhists.

“Your parents are vegetarians?” Julia and Ian’s conversation had continued.

“Mine aren’t.  They eat a lot of meat, actually.  Casey’s mom is, though.”  Hearing my name drew me down from the hills and into the car.

“Oh, really?  It’s good to do.  You are nice children, obedient.”

We drove a few minutes more in silence.  She began to mumble to herself and drive more slowly down the street.  I leaned toward her a little, worried she was trying to talk to us.  She wasn’t.  She dialed her phone.  A jeweled J swung heavily on it.  I squinted at the headlights of the oncoming cars as we changed directions on the four lane street.  After less than a minute on the phone, she made another U-turn and we pulled into a nearly empty parking lot.  I tried and failed to sound out the elaborately written Korean on the fluorescent sign.  Small, blocky type in the lower right corner answered me: “Vietnam Cuisine”.


6 comments:

  1. Nice, I like it . I remember the first draft having Julia get lost and being very agitated on her cell phone. Did you take that out, or did it not exist? It spoke a little to her character. short tempered and like a cat on a hot tinned roof. When do you submit? I love you writing style. Very good. Good luck

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  2. She still gets lost. That sentence, "She was lost" just got cut because I thought it was obvious she was without directly saying it. I'm actually planning to rework the cell phone part and add the irritation again, but I've been clumsy in my attempts so far. I want to submit it Tuesday evening.

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  3. Good luck, Just have fun with it, and the jojo will follow. :) post the final draft if you can. I am excited!!!

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  4. I like it, too. I also agree with Cari that it wasn't obvious this time that Julia was lost. We of course want Julia to look the fool to the max.
    I dunno what I said last time; maybe I said you didn't need to say she was lost. You just can't satisfy some people. I like the ending a lot better, too.

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  5. Oh, I forgot to mention, here's an article about commas: http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2011/06/30/137525211/going-going-and-gone-no-the-oxford-comma-is-safe-for-now?sc=fb&cc=fp

    I like the Oxford comma. You seem to like the AP comma, but the article argues my point of view (of course).

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  6. I'm awful about commas. I'm super inconsistent and I never catch my splices. Thanks, guys!

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